The kind of man women want
To dance with
Hi there
Thanks for coming to the page – I hope it helps you. On this page I am going to go over the theories on what makes a man attractive to women. Some of these theories might confront your beliefs – evolution versus creationism for example. However, you can always change the word ‘evolution’ with the word ‘creator’ and the message still works. If you’re curious, then I am actually an agnostic. Some of them my be hard to accept because they seem counter to what you might have been told. Things like women wanting strong sexual men to dance with. However, I have actually written this page after some women have asked me to – they are sick and tired of not having good men to dance with. Also, because whenever I try talking about being the kind of man women want to dance with in an open environment (the blog or the facebook page) I find many women are very supportive (they abviously like the idea), but the men are not (almost antagonistic). For this reason, I thought that I would set up this page – no one can comment so you can read without the need to worry about what others think.
The page is laid out in the following order:
I have written this to be read in order, but you may move backwards and forward through it or jump from place to place as much as you like. I have tried to make it an easy to navigate page so that you can quickly extract the information that you feel you need.
Why is attraction important in dance?
There are numerous quotes about dance and its relationship to attraction. My favourite is ‘Dance is the perpendicular expression of the horizontal desires.’ There are others along the lines of ‘dance is life’, which is a little harder to understand, but basically means that dance encapsulates much of the essence of life – including the relationship between men and women. This alone means that there needs to be some kind of attraction between a dance couple for the dance to be all that it is meant to be.
However, given that dance is meant to express the essence of the interaction between men and women, you can’t dance well as a man unless you know what it is that makes a man attractive.
You have probably noticed already that dance is designed in such a way that it accentuates femininity, and makes women much more attractive. You probably know this because you have seen it and liked it. However, the same is true for men. Dance is designed to make a man look and act like the kind of man that most women like. Thus an attractive man will naturally look better when he dances because he will already display some characteristics that social dance demands.
Dance is meant to make a man look good by making him move and act in a certain way. If you already have male attractiveness, then you will have the right movement and action already.
By understanding attraction, you will dance better as a man. That’s why attraction is important for dance.
How does attraction work? And how doesn’t it work?
Have you ever decided what you want to find attractive and then found that you are attracted to that?
Probably not.
But how good would it be if you could do this. Simply work out the most common type of single woman looking for a man and then program yourself to find that type of woman attractive.
Why can’t we do this?
There is a saying that answers this question ‘Attraction is not a choice.’
We do not choose what/who we will be attracted to. There might be some imprinting and such from the environment, but on the whole, what we find attractive is already programmed into us. You might have a thing for red heads because the girl next door when growing up was a red head or you might like women with a certain name because it is like your mother’s, but the basics of what we find attractive are common to all heterosexual men and deep within us. If they were not, then it would not be possible to have beauty pageants or men’s magazines or stories in our past and present culture about women that all men desire. It is true that you might know of a woman who everyone claims is beautiful, but you do not see it. It happens to me too. However, on the whole, I agree with popular opinion or at least acknowledge that women everyone else says is beautiful are attractive even if they are not exactly what arouses me.
If there was not some commonality to what men find attractive, then the portrayal of beauty in popular movies and art and magazines would be impossible.
So why is there a commonality to what is attractive?
It basically makes evolutionary sense. If you were not attracted to certain characteristics that correspond with an ability to carry, birth and care for children, then your offspring would not likely survive. Neither would your DNA. So only the men who had DNA that ensured they were attracted to a certain type of woman – one who would be good for reproduction – would pass their DNA on.
You and I are the product of this.
Over generations, those men who were not attracted to women who would make good mothers were bred out and men like us were left. That’s why attraction isn’t a choice. On the whole – I do acknowledge that we can have our preferences, but it’s within a range of possibilities set by our DNA.
The same is true of women. They have also been bred by evolution to find certain things attractive in men. By understanding what evolution would want, we can work out what women would find attractive.
This means that you can’t talk someone into thinking that they should find you attractive. You can’t decide what you think women should find attractive and then expect them to agree with you. You need to understand what characteristics women find attractive in a man and then improve yourself to have these characteristics. Then you will naturally improve your dance – and be better with the ladies too.
The context for what women find attractive
As I have said above, what we find attractive comes from deep within. It ensures our survival as a species. It has either come from evolution or God knew how we needed to be made. We now need to think about what this would mean for women and what they would find attractive.
Imagine that you are a woman living in a less ‘civilised’ world: one that still has many physical dangers for humans. Consider the following also:
This is the environment in which humans have spent much of our existence. It is also this environment that shaped the core of female psychology and what women would find attractive in men. Even though we now live in a modern and supposedly civilised world, this is our heritage that is within us.
What women do find attractive
You can probably already sense from the above what women would now be programmed to find attractive. However, if we sit down and think about it a bit more deeply, then we can learn even more. I will now take each item from the list above in turn.
Risk in becoming pregnant – When in a risky situation you don’t need people who are weaker than you. You need people who are stronger and can take care of you. A pregnant woman, or one who has just given birth, does not need a man who needs her support. She wants his – he must be strong enough to do for her what she can’t do now that she has a child to look after. If he is weaker than her, then why have him there? He is just another person who needs caring for. The ideal situation is that she will care for the child and the man will care for her. This seems pretty clear and easy to understand, but if you’re like most men, then you do not know what she really means by ‘strong’. Have you ever heard women say that they were annoyed by a man who agreed with everything she said? Women hate that because it makes a man look weak – if he had strength, then he would have his own opinion. But beware the other extreme. Disagreeing for the sake of it, makes you look like a petulant child. And she doesn’t want a child – she has one already. Thus women are attracted to men who on the surface do not seem to need them. They are looking for a man who has an abundance of ability and self-reliance so that the man could take care of them as well as himself. This is why women do not seem attracted when you are. Telling a woman that you’re attracted to them will probably turn them off. Especially if they haven’t tried to attract you. You will seem weak if you fall for them that easily. Women want a man who:
Period between children – if you can only have a child every 5 years, then you want to make sure that it has the best chance possible. This means the best father possible. And that means that a woman will look for the smallest of floors in you. And she will keep looking. She will always be testing to see that you are indeed a man with his own goals, who can think for himself and is independent. You might not have heard women talking about testing, but if you talk to them in an open enough setting, then they will tell you about it. I know a woman who buys her husband birthday presents that she knows he will not like so that he will get angry with her to the point that she needs to apologise and change the presents. She has said explicitly that she would feel let down if he just accepted the presents. This seems odd to me, but it seems different women test in different ways. Regardless though, what do we extract from this? It probably means that politeness (with women you might have an intimate relationship with) will work against you. Ever hear women talk about men who are nice, but they will not go out with these men? Maybe even women who talk about a man who is too nice and explicitly say that is the trouble with him? Basically, that’s a guy who failed a test to prove himself. He possibly thought he was passing the test too by showing how he would do anything for this woman, but all he did was show that he was not strong enough for her to think she could rely upon him. So the lesson here is that you need to know that women will always test to ensure that you are an attractive man so it is only the men who are always ready to be tested that will be attractive. Just a note – you can prove strength by doing something for her “No, you are not walking home at this hour alone, I will take you home. Don’t be so stupid.” You do not need to be mean to her. This is one of the reasons why selfish men or ‘Jerks’ seem to get the women. They are the only men who come close to passing the tests. Women never see a man demonstrating strength in a positive way (taking care of her) so the Jerks are the best of the bunch. I will talk a bit more about this later
Not as much to share and taking care of yourself – if there is not much to share then you need to get you own. And you can only do that if you’re capable. That’s why women are attracted to men who are capable. Like I said earlier, we evolved in a physical world, thus much of what would be deemed capable would also be physical. This doesn’t mean that you need to be the tallest most muscular guy in the room. However, you do need to have good physicality. This is one of the reasons why women like men who can dance – their bodies can clearly move well. Nevertheless, it’s not all about the body. It’s about knowing how to do things or work out how to do things. I am amazed how impressed women are when I fix my car. Women also love ingenuity. Basically, women like men who have collected a number of skills that can be used when needed and who do not shy away from a challenge. If you want to be an attractive man then simply make the decision to always improve your ability to do things. Dance is one way – if you go take action to improve your musicality, or your physicality and it then shows in your dance, then you will look capable and more attractive. I recall a woman in her early 20’s being incredibly impressed with a man in his late 40’s who had shown a great improvement in his movement during a dance grading. That capability to take on a challenge and not stop until it was defeated was very attractive to her.
The need to rely upon others – The previous point was very much about you as a man focusing on yourself. However, you do need to be a man who can work in a team. Ideally a woman would like a man who is the leader, but at the least, he should be a respected and capable part of the team so that he will benefit from being a part of it. This means that women are attracted to men who at least have enough respect for themselves that they will be respected by others. This is related to the testing mentioned above, but it is also related to how you treat yourself and others. Do you take care of yourself; do you stand up to those who do not treat you well; do you treat others badly out of fear they might treat you badly first? The portrayal of bad boys in popular culture can be enlightening here. The bad boy is a loner, but usually it is the rest of society that has shunned him through no real fault of his own. He has thus rejected them, showing that he respects himself enough and that he is independent. All the woman now needs to do is try to find a way to bring him into the community so that he can be an asset to the community and her. Given that women are obsessed with social dynamics (that’s why they watch dramas) this is their domain and their kind of challenge. You do not need to be the bad boy – I only used that to show that women like a man who can respect for himself (in all ways) and others so that others will respect him too.
Coming to terms with a new perspective
If you’re like me, then you might find some of the above a bit difficult to deal with. I was raised in a feminist and post-feminist world. I had been told not only that men and women were equal, but that apart from physical differences they were the same. I was also told that to think anything differently would be sexists and just wrong. I also recall the saying “women need men like fish need bicycle.” If this is how you were raised, then this idea of women being attracted to you for having characteristics that they do not have can be hard to come to terms with. Simply thinking women are attracted to men can be hard to do.
I know that some other men find these ideas confronting because it means that they need to re-evaluate themselves. This can be work and it can also seem like you are not being true to yourself. It’s like you’re pretending to be another person simply to make people like you. This too is something that many of us have been told is wrong.
I should first of all say that I do not suggest that you need to think of anyone as being less than equal to you or to that you need to be a fake person to be more attractive to women so that you’re a better dancer. Women are far too good to detecting fakes and they would not want to be treated like they are less important anyway.
What I am saying is that you should think about the kind of man you want to be.
Humans are the most intelligent entities on the planet (I am usually pretty sure of this, but I am also sure that you too have met people that make you question this at times). Thus we can do more than simply exists as we are.
What I mean is that you do not need to simply be a reaction to your environment. Many years ago, men were given initiation ceremonies where they were also instructed on how to be men. Those tribes that prescribed the best behaviour would have likely been the ones most likely to survive. That means much of what is or was in our society regarding the behaviour of a man was pretty good – our society is still here. Not all of it was good, I am sure, but much of it. Today, many of our values have come from our society via mainstream media. Often, those in the media have their own agenda. Also, having values based on their influence makes less sense than you deciding the type of man you want to be and then becoming that man. It is true, I think, that we have on the whole made the world better. However, along the way to improvement we can lose some important things. For that reason – it is worth occasionally taking a step back and thinking about whether you have taken the right path or not. One of my friend’s father only realised on his death bed how he had made mistakes in his life – including how he treated women – you do not want to do the same thing.
By taking a more objective view of your life and thinking about how and who you want to be, you are more likely to have a better, and at least more interesting, life. You will also be a more complete person because you will not have simply reacted to events, but you would have gone out lived life fully.
This is the attitude that you can take when you consider what I am talking about here. It is basically an experiment to verify what kind of a person you want to be.
Also, consider the following idea:
No matter your age, you can always improve. In fact, if you’re not improving, then what are you actually doing that’s worthwhile? And if you do indeed want to improve, then you need to change. That what improving and becoming a better person is – CHANGING for the better.
So with this new perspective, trying a new take on yourself to see if there are benefits, please read on about what you can do to be more attractive for better dance.
How to be a man that is attractive
Much of this should be apparent from what I have already said. However, now is as good time to summarise this explicitly.
To be a man that is attractive:
Note that the above is actually very flexible. You could be a funny casual guy who does this, or a very serious man, a youthful energetic man, you might be a sporting type, you might be the artistic type or you might be a run of the mill kind of guy who likes catching up with friends for a drink every now and then. I have two female cousins who have very different tastes in men, but I have noticed that their husbands are still very much like what has been described above. If you ever watch the Rocky Horror Picture Show with a woman, then you might hear her say something like “At least Brad sticks to his beliefs and does what he thinks is right.” The man who wrote the story was very fascinated by sexuality and was aware of how some men who seem very boring on the outside still have what women are very much attracted to not far from the surface. Not many people pick up on this it seems so it’s worth keeping an eye open for it.
There is also one last guiding concept that I want to share with you on how to be attractive to a women. It came from a relationship specialist who was actually studying to be a minister and is a marriage counselor.
All women are spending their lives looking to feel safe.
Providing this feeling of safety is what everything I have mentioned leads to. You want to be a man that a woman knows will make her safe from the dangers of the world (even though many of those dangers no longer exist, and are imagined).
Let this be your guiding principle if ever in doubt.
Actually, it is when a man doesn’t make her feel safe that a woman will describe a man as creepy. Because she feels that men who lack the qualities I have covered here can’t protect her, she will feel a sudden urge to leave his presence, and this is what she will describe as creepy. And this is why women will test you, to see if you are a creepy guy. A good example that demonstrates this is from the above counselor when talking about his life before he understood attraction. His wife said to him before leaving him “if you can’t stand up to me, then how can you stand up for me.” This why women test you: to make sure that you are indeed a man who is strong enough to take care of her. Like I said before, if you can’t take care of her (especially if she is taking care of a child), then she might as well be alone.
The above should have told you more about how to be attractive. It might be confronting, but I can assure you from personal experience that it is true and it works. However, the point of all of this is to make you a better dancer. So I now want to now talk about how you can do this.
Male attractiveness and dance
Have you seen ‘Take the Lead’ with Antonio Banderas playing a dance teacher? It has an excellent scene (a couple actually) where the main character shows how dance is all about life. It is this aspect of dance that allows you to use the above to make you a better make dancer. However, before I go too far, I want to talk a little more about the relationship between dance and life.
This is basically the summary of a conversation I had with a dance teacher at my dance studio about dance and where it came from. Social dance has origins back hundreds of years, but even modern dance is close to 100 years old. That’s a long time to tune the system of social dance to make it enjoyable for people who do it. Therefore, it would make sense that dance expresses our deeper desires. This in turn means that dance is an expression of life and especially the interaction between men and women because that’s really what social dance is all about.
Given that dance expresses our deeper desires and focuses a lot upon the interaction between men and women, you will be a better dancer if you express your attractive masculinity while dancing. So how do you do this?
When dancing with a woman, remember the following:
I have done my best to distill the major points of what I have learned women like in men and how it relates to dance. However, changing to be the kind of man who is naturally attractive and thus a better dancer is easier said than done. For that reason I wanted to share with you some of the resources that I have come across and that have been helpful to me.
Just so you know, if you make any purchases from these links, then I will likely get a commission – it’s important that I be open with you about this.
However, I only recommend what I know to be good and I know that at least one of these will be exactly what you need. I would also genuinely encourage you to take a closer look. As I have said before, I often have women responding well to my efforts to help men step up to their role in dance (especially the sexual aspect) because these women feel that it is really lacking in most men. It is usually the men who have troubles so please do give some serious thought to upgrading this part of yourself. It will make you much happier in life and a much better dancer - it really did for me.
Please contact me too if you have any questions about any of this.
I really do think this is important, and I do want to help.
Clint
Thanks for coming to the page – I hope it helps you. On this page I am going to go over the theories on what makes a man attractive to women. Some of these theories might confront your beliefs – evolution versus creationism for example. However, you can always change the word ‘evolution’ with the word ‘creator’ and the message still works. If you’re curious, then I am actually an agnostic. Some of them my be hard to accept because they seem counter to what you might have been told. Things like women wanting strong sexual men to dance with. However, I have actually written this page after some women have asked me to – they are sick and tired of not having good men to dance with. Also, because whenever I try talking about being the kind of man women want to dance with in an open environment (the blog or the facebook page) I find many women are very supportive (they abviously like the idea), but the men are not (almost antagonistic). For this reason, I thought that I would set up this page – no one can comment so you can read without the need to worry about what others think.
The page is laid out in the following order:
- Why attraction is important in dance
- How attraction does work and how it doesn’t work
- The context for what women would find attractive
- What women do find attractive
- Coming to terms with a new perspective
- How to be a man that is attractive
- How to combine being an attractive man with your dancing
- Other resources
I have written this to be read in order, but you may move backwards and forward through it or jump from place to place as much as you like. I have tried to make it an easy to navigate page so that you can quickly extract the information that you feel you need.
Why is attraction important in dance?
There are numerous quotes about dance and its relationship to attraction. My favourite is ‘Dance is the perpendicular expression of the horizontal desires.’ There are others along the lines of ‘dance is life’, which is a little harder to understand, but basically means that dance encapsulates much of the essence of life – including the relationship between men and women. This alone means that there needs to be some kind of attraction between a dance couple for the dance to be all that it is meant to be.
However, given that dance is meant to express the essence of the interaction between men and women, you can’t dance well as a man unless you know what it is that makes a man attractive.
You have probably noticed already that dance is designed in such a way that it accentuates femininity, and makes women much more attractive. You probably know this because you have seen it and liked it. However, the same is true for men. Dance is designed to make a man look and act like the kind of man that most women like. Thus an attractive man will naturally look better when he dances because he will already display some characteristics that social dance demands.
Dance is meant to make a man look good by making him move and act in a certain way. If you already have male attractiveness, then you will have the right movement and action already.
By understanding attraction, you will dance better as a man. That’s why attraction is important for dance.
How does attraction work? And how doesn’t it work?
Have you ever decided what you want to find attractive and then found that you are attracted to that?
Probably not.
But how good would it be if you could do this. Simply work out the most common type of single woman looking for a man and then program yourself to find that type of woman attractive.
Why can’t we do this?
There is a saying that answers this question ‘Attraction is not a choice.’
We do not choose what/who we will be attracted to. There might be some imprinting and such from the environment, but on the whole, what we find attractive is already programmed into us. You might have a thing for red heads because the girl next door when growing up was a red head or you might like women with a certain name because it is like your mother’s, but the basics of what we find attractive are common to all heterosexual men and deep within us. If they were not, then it would not be possible to have beauty pageants or men’s magazines or stories in our past and present culture about women that all men desire. It is true that you might know of a woman who everyone claims is beautiful, but you do not see it. It happens to me too. However, on the whole, I agree with popular opinion or at least acknowledge that women everyone else says is beautiful are attractive even if they are not exactly what arouses me.
If there was not some commonality to what men find attractive, then the portrayal of beauty in popular movies and art and magazines would be impossible.
So why is there a commonality to what is attractive?
It basically makes evolutionary sense. If you were not attracted to certain characteristics that correspond with an ability to carry, birth and care for children, then your offspring would not likely survive. Neither would your DNA. So only the men who had DNA that ensured they were attracted to a certain type of woman – one who would be good for reproduction – would pass their DNA on.
You and I are the product of this.
Over generations, those men who were not attracted to women who would make good mothers were bred out and men like us were left. That’s why attraction isn’t a choice. On the whole – I do acknowledge that we can have our preferences, but it’s within a range of possibilities set by our DNA.
The same is true of women. They have also been bred by evolution to find certain things attractive in men. By understanding what evolution would want, we can work out what women would find attractive.
This means that you can’t talk someone into thinking that they should find you attractive. You can’t decide what you think women should find attractive and then expect them to agree with you. You need to understand what characteristics women find attractive in a man and then improve yourself to have these characteristics. Then you will naturally improve your dance – and be better with the ladies too.
The context for what women find attractive
As I have said above, what we find attractive comes from deep within. It ensures our survival as a species. It has either come from evolution or God knew how we needed to be made. We now need to think about what this would mean for women and what they would find attractive.
Imagine that you are a woman living in a less ‘civilised’ world: one that still has many physical dangers for humans. Consider the following also:
- No other animal goes through as much risk giving birth as does the human
- Once a woman is pregnant, it is likely to be 5 years before she can fall pregnant again – children back in these days needed much more effort to raise
- While humans lived in groups, there was not as much to share and there was not as much community support for anyone who could not care for themselves
- Without modern technology it is near impossible for one person to provide everything for themselves to survive – we had to rely on others who could do things that we couldn’t do
This is the environment in which humans have spent much of our existence. It is also this environment that shaped the core of female psychology and what women would find attractive in men. Even though we now live in a modern and supposedly civilised world, this is our heritage that is within us.
What women do find attractive
You can probably already sense from the above what women would now be programmed to find attractive. However, if we sit down and think about it a bit more deeply, then we can learn even more. I will now take each item from the list above in turn.
Risk in becoming pregnant – When in a risky situation you don’t need people who are weaker than you. You need people who are stronger and can take care of you. A pregnant woman, or one who has just given birth, does not need a man who needs her support. She wants his – he must be strong enough to do for her what she can’t do now that she has a child to look after. If he is weaker than her, then why have him there? He is just another person who needs caring for. The ideal situation is that she will care for the child and the man will care for her. This seems pretty clear and easy to understand, but if you’re like most men, then you do not know what she really means by ‘strong’. Have you ever heard women say that they were annoyed by a man who agreed with everything she said? Women hate that because it makes a man look weak – if he had strength, then he would have his own opinion. But beware the other extreme. Disagreeing for the sake of it, makes you look like a petulant child. And she doesn’t want a child – she has one already. Thus women are attracted to men who on the surface do not seem to need them. They are looking for a man who has an abundance of ability and self-reliance so that the man could take care of them as well as himself. This is why women do not seem attracted when you are. Telling a woman that you’re attracted to them will probably turn them off. Especially if they haven’t tried to attract you. You will seem weak if you fall for them that easily. Women want a man who:
- has his own goals, and doesn’t need guidance from her all the time so that she can focus on what she needs to do
- can think for himself, and make his own decisions (even ones that might concern her)
- can easily survive without her so that he is not lost if he needs to do things alone (probably for her)
Period between children – if you can only have a child every 5 years, then you want to make sure that it has the best chance possible. This means the best father possible. And that means that a woman will look for the smallest of floors in you. And she will keep looking. She will always be testing to see that you are indeed a man with his own goals, who can think for himself and is independent. You might not have heard women talking about testing, but if you talk to them in an open enough setting, then they will tell you about it. I know a woman who buys her husband birthday presents that she knows he will not like so that he will get angry with her to the point that she needs to apologise and change the presents. She has said explicitly that she would feel let down if he just accepted the presents. This seems odd to me, but it seems different women test in different ways. Regardless though, what do we extract from this? It probably means that politeness (with women you might have an intimate relationship with) will work against you. Ever hear women talk about men who are nice, but they will not go out with these men? Maybe even women who talk about a man who is too nice and explicitly say that is the trouble with him? Basically, that’s a guy who failed a test to prove himself. He possibly thought he was passing the test too by showing how he would do anything for this woman, but all he did was show that he was not strong enough for her to think she could rely upon him. So the lesson here is that you need to know that women will always test to ensure that you are an attractive man so it is only the men who are always ready to be tested that will be attractive. Just a note – you can prove strength by doing something for her “No, you are not walking home at this hour alone, I will take you home. Don’t be so stupid.” You do not need to be mean to her. This is one of the reasons why selfish men or ‘Jerks’ seem to get the women. They are the only men who come close to passing the tests. Women never see a man demonstrating strength in a positive way (taking care of her) so the Jerks are the best of the bunch. I will talk a bit more about this later
Not as much to share and taking care of yourself – if there is not much to share then you need to get you own. And you can only do that if you’re capable. That’s why women are attracted to men who are capable. Like I said earlier, we evolved in a physical world, thus much of what would be deemed capable would also be physical. This doesn’t mean that you need to be the tallest most muscular guy in the room. However, you do need to have good physicality. This is one of the reasons why women like men who can dance – their bodies can clearly move well. Nevertheless, it’s not all about the body. It’s about knowing how to do things or work out how to do things. I am amazed how impressed women are when I fix my car. Women also love ingenuity. Basically, women like men who have collected a number of skills that can be used when needed and who do not shy away from a challenge. If you want to be an attractive man then simply make the decision to always improve your ability to do things. Dance is one way – if you go take action to improve your musicality, or your physicality and it then shows in your dance, then you will look capable and more attractive. I recall a woman in her early 20’s being incredibly impressed with a man in his late 40’s who had shown a great improvement in his movement during a dance grading. That capability to take on a challenge and not stop until it was defeated was very attractive to her.
The need to rely upon others – The previous point was very much about you as a man focusing on yourself. However, you do need to be a man who can work in a team. Ideally a woman would like a man who is the leader, but at the least, he should be a respected and capable part of the team so that he will benefit from being a part of it. This means that women are attracted to men who at least have enough respect for themselves that they will be respected by others. This is related to the testing mentioned above, but it is also related to how you treat yourself and others. Do you take care of yourself; do you stand up to those who do not treat you well; do you treat others badly out of fear they might treat you badly first? The portrayal of bad boys in popular culture can be enlightening here. The bad boy is a loner, but usually it is the rest of society that has shunned him through no real fault of his own. He has thus rejected them, showing that he respects himself enough and that he is independent. All the woman now needs to do is try to find a way to bring him into the community so that he can be an asset to the community and her. Given that women are obsessed with social dynamics (that’s why they watch dramas) this is their domain and their kind of challenge. You do not need to be the bad boy – I only used that to show that women like a man who can respect for himself (in all ways) and others so that others will respect him too.
Coming to terms with a new perspective
If you’re like me, then you might find some of the above a bit difficult to deal with. I was raised in a feminist and post-feminist world. I had been told not only that men and women were equal, but that apart from physical differences they were the same. I was also told that to think anything differently would be sexists and just wrong. I also recall the saying “women need men like fish need bicycle.” If this is how you were raised, then this idea of women being attracted to you for having characteristics that they do not have can be hard to come to terms with. Simply thinking women are attracted to men can be hard to do.
I know that some other men find these ideas confronting because it means that they need to re-evaluate themselves. This can be work and it can also seem like you are not being true to yourself. It’s like you’re pretending to be another person simply to make people like you. This too is something that many of us have been told is wrong.
I should first of all say that I do not suggest that you need to think of anyone as being less than equal to you or to that you need to be a fake person to be more attractive to women so that you’re a better dancer. Women are far too good to detecting fakes and they would not want to be treated like they are less important anyway.
What I am saying is that you should think about the kind of man you want to be.
Humans are the most intelligent entities on the planet (I am usually pretty sure of this, but I am also sure that you too have met people that make you question this at times). Thus we can do more than simply exists as we are.
What I mean is that you do not need to simply be a reaction to your environment. Many years ago, men were given initiation ceremonies where they were also instructed on how to be men. Those tribes that prescribed the best behaviour would have likely been the ones most likely to survive. That means much of what is or was in our society regarding the behaviour of a man was pretty good – our society is still here. Not all of it was good, I am sure, but much of it. Today, many of our values have come from our society via mainstream media. Often, those in the media have their own agenda. Also, having values based on their influence makes less sense than you deciding the type of man you want to be and then becoming that man. It is true, I think, that we have on the whole made the world better. However, along the way to improvement we can lose some important things. For that reason – it is worth occasionally taking a step back and thinking about whether you have taken the right path or not. One of my friend’s father only realised on his death bed how he had made mistakes in his life – including how he treated women – you do not want to do the same thing.
By taking a more objective view of your life and thinking about how and who you want to be, you are more likely to have a better, and at least more interesting, life. You will also be a more complete person because you will not have simply reacted to events, but you would have gone out lived life fully.
This is the attitude that you can take when you consider what I am talking about here. It is basically an experiment to verify what kind of a person you want to be.
Also, consider the following idea:
No matter your age, you can always improve. In fact, if you’re not improving, then what are you actually doing that’s worthwhile? And if you do indeed want to improve, then you need to change. That what improving and becoming a better person is – CHANGING for the better.
So with this new perspective, trying a new take on yourself to see if there are benefits, please read on about what you can do to be more attractive for better dance.
How to be a man that is attractive
Much of this should be apparent from what I have already said. However, now is as good time to summarise this explicitly.
To be a man that is attractive:
- Be a man that has his own goals, ideas and is happy with who he is (this includes your sexuality, which is an importnat part of dance)
- Respect yourself by not changing your ideas easily, taking care of yourself and only associating with people who deserve your respect
- Never shy from a challenge – show initiative and ingenuity, and always look to improve your abilities
- Be a man who makes decisions – if a woman is involved, then do not be afraid to make decisions that will protect her (even if she feigns a protest – she is likely testing you to see that you can actually protect her)
- Remember that women will always test you to see if you truly are that kind of man – as long as you have truly decided to be that man, then that is what you will be.
Note that the above is actually very flexible. You could be a funny casual guy who does this, or a very serious man, a youthful energetic man, you might be a sporting type, you might be the artistic type or you might be a run of the mill kind of guy who likes catching up with friends for a drink every now and then. I have two female cousins who have very different tastes in men, but I have noticed that their husbands are still very much like what has been described above. If you ever watch the Rocky Horror Picture Show with a woman, then you might hear her say something like “At least Brad sticks to his beliefs and does what he thinks is right.” The man who wrote the story was very fascinated by sexuality and was aware of how some men who seem very boring on the outside still have what women are very much attracted to not far from the surface. Not many people pick up on this it seems so it’s worth keeping an eye open for it.
There is also one last guiding concept that I want to share with you on how to be attractive to a women. It came from a relationship specialist who was actually studying to be a minister and is a marriage counselor.
All women are spending their lives looking to feel safe.
Providing this feeling of safety is what everything I have mentioned leads to. You want to be a man that a woman knows will make her safe from the dangers of the world (even though many of those dangers no longer exist, and are imagined).
Let this be your guiding principle if ever in doubt.
Actually, it is when a man doesn’t make her feel safe that a woman will describe a man as creepy. Because she feels that men who lack the qualities I have covered here can’t protect her, she will feel a sudden urge to leave his presence, and this is what she will describe as creepy. And this is why women will test you, to see if you are a creepy guy. A good example that demonstrates this is from the above counselor when talking about his life before he understood attraction. His wife said to him before leaving him “if you can’t stand up to me, then how can you stand up for me.” This why women test you: to make sure that you are indeed a man who is strong enough to take care of her. Like I said before, if you can’t take care of her (especially if she is taking care of a child), then she might as well be alone.
The above should have told you more about how to be attractive. It might be confronting, but I can assure you from personal experience that it is true and it works. However, the point of all of this is to make you a better dancer. So I now want to now talk about how you can do this.
Male attractiveness and dance
Have you seen ‘Take the Lead’ with Antonio Banderas playing a dance teacher? It has an excellent scene (a couple actually) where the main character shows how dance is all about life. It is this aspect of dance that allows you to use the above to make you a better make dancer. However, before I go too far, I want to talk a little more about the relationship between dance and life.
This is basically the summary of a conversation I had with a dance teacher at my dance studio about dance and where it came from. Social dance has origins back hundreds of years, but even modern dance is close to 100 years old. That’s a long time to tune the system of social dance to make it enjoyable for people who do it. Therefore, it would make sense that dance expresses our deeper desires. This in turn means that dance is an expression of life and especially the interaction between men and women because that’s really what social dance is all about.
Given that dance expresses our deeper desires and focuses a lot upon the interaction between men and women, you will be a better dancer if you express your attractive masculinity while dancing. So how do you do this?
When dancing with a woman, remember the following:
- All you can do is lead. You do not have authority; you do not need to push her. You simply indicate where she should go.
- Think about why you are leading her. You have two things to do. One is to prevent her (and you) from colliding with others – this is keeping her safe. The other is to help her look good – this is how you show that that your decisions for her are made to ensure her benefit.
- Try to communicate that you are leading her to ensure that she is safe as you journey around the dance floor and able to look as good as possible. Hold her firmly, but also gently. Watch the room so that it is clear you are leading the both of you competently – as opposed to looking at her all the time with an uncertain face because you are so amazed that she danced with you.
- Do not shy away from the intimacy and physical contact; it would mean that you are letting other things get in the way of your ability to lead her properly and that you are somewhat scared of her sexuality, or yours (Imagine what a woman would think of a man who is scared of what he desires and wants). This fear does not inspire confidence in your ability to lead her and protect her on the dance floor. Connect with her on numerous levels as you are dancing so that you can both enjoy even more the role each of you has. Make it clear, either by looking, by talking or movement that you KNOW she is there and that you enjoy leading her as you two dance together. The connection is much more than physical.
- She is moving backwards so she is putting a lot of faith in you – make sure it is well placed by taking responsibility for the both of you.
- She likes this (this is a very big one so read on) – it is clear from the above that dance puts women in a position where they need a capable and sure man to guide them so that they can look good and dance safely. If women did not like this, then they would not dance. Given that so many women do dance, they must like it. She is enjoying this and you are giving her this enjoyment. When you fully realise how much pleasure you are giving her so that she feels safe and able to express herself confidently, you will have mastered a major part of being a good male social dancer.
- All this makes what women call “a good lead” - In fact, as I have said, I have been asked by women to post this page because they want more men to be like this. Each time I have posted or emailed about men being men in dance, it is the women who always want to see more of it. Men still have trouble getting, but I hope this has helped you.
I have done my best to distill the major points of what I have learned women like in men and how it relates to dance. However, changing to be the kind of man who is naturally attractive and thus a better dancer is easier said than done. For that reason I wanted to share with you some of the resources that I have come across and that have been helpful to me.
Just so you know, if you make any purchases from these links, then I will likely get a commission – it’s important that I be open with you about this.
However, I only recommend what I know to be good and I know that at least one of these will be exactly what you need. I would also genuinely encourage you to take a closer look. As I have said before, I often have women responding well to my efforts to help men step up to their role in dance (especially the sexual aspect) because these women feel that it is really lacking in most men. It is usually the men who have troubles so please do give some serious thought to upgrading this part of yourself. It will make you much happier in life and a much better dancer - it really did for me.
Please contact me too if you have any questions about any of this.
I really do think this is important, and I do want to help.
Clint
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Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships by David Schnarch
This book is a classic for understanding relationships between men and women. Given that my first copy was taken by my one of my ex-girlfriends it is clearly not perfect, but is does give some very pragmatic and well founded explanations on the way women and men do and should interact. It’s quite the eye opener regardless of whether you need help with your understanding of inter-gender relationships or not. |
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Code of the Natural (For men)
by Rob Brinded Rob has put together a real interesting package here. It is a book that explains a system that is designed to free up your body to give more attractive movement. The thing is that such movement is ideal for dancing. Not only that, but it works in revers too. As your body moves in a more manly way, you feel more manly and act it. An excellent product for better dance, confidence and health. |
The Art of Manliness - Ballroom dancing
The website below is dedicated to all things manly, including a forum on ballroom dancing. It's free so go take a look. I joined too. Sometimes there are good conversations. When I posted about this on the facebook page, I actually had a lot women liking it.
The website below is dedicated to all things manly, including a forum on ballroom dancing. It's free so go take a look. I joined too. Sometimes there are good conversations. When I posted about this on the facebook page, I actually had a lot women liking it.
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The Art of Manliness
by Brett McKay This is the book that goes with the above website. If you're looking for some easy to read advice on how to be manly, the type of manliness that women like, then take a read. I enjoyed learning about the knots and finding North with my watch. It will make you a more capable man. |
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No more Mr Nice Guy
by Robert Glover Robert is the guy I mentioned in the text above. He has a really good grasp on what women need from men to feel safe, and attraction. He is also a salsa dancer so he has a perspective that will be useful for you as a dancer. He is also an older guy so he has learned this the hard way, which means he gets what we have been through. |
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The Authentic Man Program (AMP)
This is a really remarkable program that I am glad I came across.
A group of guys got together with a group or women and worked out all the different things that men can do to become better men. They have condensed this into a training system that I think is one of the best around. They focus on helping you become naturally attractive with minimal conscious effort.
Because it has the female perspective, it's well worth a look. Click the image below.
This is a really remarkable program that I am glad I came across.
A group of guys got together with a group or women and worked out all the different things that men can do to become better men. They have condensed this into a training system that I think is one of the best around. They focus on helping you become naturally attractive with minimal conscious effort.
Because it has the female perspective, it's well worth a look. Click the image below.
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Women Approach You
by John Alanis John is one of my favourite people in the area of understanding attraction. He is incredibly honest about his experiences and he has a unique perspective. He actually focuses on how to get interested women to approach you instead of you approaching them. This might sound better to you. I also like his work on personal authority. Click the image on the side or click here. |
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